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Technomancer and troubleshooter by trade. Programmer by choice. Creator of Deviant Paradigm, somewhat by accident.
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Saturday, December 17, 2005
Too Much to Ask For
The original primary point of this blog was catharsis, so you all have to put up with it sometimes. This is one of those times. Those of you who have no interest in listening to the blog owner whine can just skip this one. I don't blame you. I wouldn't want to read it either.
I often wonder these days if what I want is too much to ask for. Is it too much to ask for a girl that suits my tastes? Someone who agrees with me often but not always (that would be boring), likes gaming (I used to say "knows the definition of the word 'frag' and can use it in a sentence," but that might be too restrictive; though this needs to include computer/video games and role-playing games or at least the toleration of one and the love of the other), enjoys (or at least tolerates) MacGuyver, enjoys dancing, suits my asthetic specifications (which is not as difficult as one would imagine or as easy as my desperation implies), and lives within a roughly 200 mile radius.
The last one is the newest requirement. My ex was from Florida, and after I flew her up here for Independence day I came to the realization that I need such a requirement. You see, I have problems even touching people unless I feel I have some sort of permission to do so. This, among other things, leaves me starved for human affection. Among other problems, that leads to my being touchy-feely affectionate to the point of creepiness at times. In order to combat this, I need someone who I can see at least a couple times a month, not a couple times (at the most) in a year.
And it would be handy if she was just a little bit of a furry. Yeah, I dread that sort of thing too, but I'm questionably borderline, and with my friends (most specifically Sapph and Serge) "helping" me, essentially by throwing me bodily toward it, it's probably only a matter of time before I get much worse. The other thing I need is for her to be somewhat aggressive. This is not because I cannot or will not be, quite the opposite rather. It is because I want a partner, someone who can match my fire. If she cannot do that, I fear I should grow bored. I'm attracted to the girls who aren't afraid to take what they want sometimes. I don't want someone who's too out there, as I said, I'm looking for someone who can match me. But I don't think that will end up being too hard. One benefit of living in these times is that there is no shortage of fairly aggressive women.
Of course, the most difficult requirement for any girlfriend of mine is that she be attracted to me. For one thing, I'm only of about average appearance, granted my ex and Sapph both would disagree with me here. I'd guess she only felt that way because we were dating (obligation you understand; I met her over the Internet and we were dating before she ever saw much of a picture of me). And as for Sapph, well, in his case I blame the alcohol. Also, I have a rather bizarre sense of humor, which occasionally ventures into the region of mean and nasty, and I'm very strongly opinionated and ridiculously competitive.
I'm sure there are people out there that fit these requirements and still remain available to me, but I can't ever seem to meet them. For one thing, I am terrified that anyone I ask will have someone in their lives already but will not tell me right out. I don't want some sort of kind let down -- I want the truth of the matter. This is a big part due to my history. I dated a girl once for whom "I don't have a boyfriend" (she did say this) meant more like "Well, there is a guy who thinks he's my boyfriend, but I'm not really sure I like him any more, so I'd like to play the field a little." You'd be impressed at how cynical this makes a person. And I'm a social inept. I can deal with social situations, but it takes effort from me. I can't just do it instinctually. And since you need a social situation to meet people, I'm really stuck. The Wolf takes great pleasure in reminding me that if I was good at social situations I'd have a warm body beside me some nights. And it's additionally frustrating because I don't seem to have any talent for attracting women. Contrast this with what appear to be miraculous powers of gaybait that I have been cursed with and you'll see why I am so discontent. And then my friends poke fun of me (as they rightly should do, I certainly don't blame them for it). But I end up getting left increasingly hopeless and depressed. That I think is why I've invested time and money this last semester in trying to grasp myself. I'm just trying to find a way to make myself more attractive to those that I would like to attract. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be working. Not that it's going to stop me from continuing my efforts. There's got to be somebody out there. And I'll find her...Or die trying.
Thanks for letting me get all that out. I now return you to your regularly posted angry pointless ranting and happy pointless ranting.