Deviant Paradigm: Of The Wolf Within
Random garbage. Remarks about the comic Deviant Paradigm, notes about my life, comments about politics. This is my place to rant and rave. Fear this, World! FEAR IT!


Nickname: Avvy
Age: 24
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Technomancer and troubleshooter by trade. Programmer by choice. Creator of Deviant Paradigm, somewhat by accident.

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Saturday, December 17, 2005

Too Much to Ask For
The original primary point of this blog was catharsis, so you all have to put up with it sometimes. This is one of those times. Those of you who have no interest in listening to the blog owner whine can just skip this one. I don't blame you. I wouldn't want to read it either.

I often wonder these days if what I want is too much to ask for. Is it too much to ask for a girl that suits my tastes? Someone who agrees with me often but not always (that would be boring), likes gaming (I used to say "knows the definition of the word 'frag' and can use it in a sentence," but that might be too restrictive; though this needs to include computer/video games and role-playing games or at least the toleration of one and the love of the other), enjoys (or at least tolerates) MacGuyver, enjoys dancing, suits my asthetic specifications (which is not as difficult as one would imagine or as easy as my desperation implies), and lives within a roughly 200 mile radius.

The last one is the newest requirement. My ex was from Florida, and after I flew her up here for Independence day I came to the realization that I need such a requirement. You see, I have problems even touching people unless I feel I have some sort of permission to do so. This, among other things, leaves me starved for human affection. Among other problems, that leads to my being touchy-feely affectionate to the point of creepiness at times. In order to combat this, I need someone who I can see at least a couple times a month, not a couple times (at the most) in a year.

And it would be handy if she was just a little bit of a furry. Yeah, I dread that sort of thing too, but I'm questionably borderline, and with my friends (most specifically Sapph and Serge) "helping" me, essentially by throwing me bodily toward it, it's probably only a matter of time before I get much worse. The other thing I need is for her to be somewhat aggressive. This is not because I cannot or will not be, quite the opposite rather. It is because I want a partner, someone who can match my fire. If she cannot do that, I fear I should grow bored. I'm attracted to the girls who aren't afraid to take what they want sometimes. I don't want someone who's too out there, as I said, I'm looking for someone who can match me. But I don't think that will end up being too hard. One benefit of living in these times is that there is no shortage of fairly aggressive women.

Of course, the most difficult requirement for any girlfriend of mine is that she be attracted to me. For one thing, I'm only of about average appearance, granted my ex and Sapph both would disagree with me here. I'd guess she only felt that way because we were dating (obligation you understand; I met her over the Internet and we were dating before she ever saw much of a picture of me). And as for Sapph, well, in his case I blame the alcohol. Also, I have a rather bizarre sense of humor, which occasionally ventures into the region of mean and nasty, and I'm very strongly opinionated and ridiculously competitive.

I'm sure there are people out there that fit these requirements and still remain available to me, but I can't ever seem to meet them. For one thing, I am terrified that anyone I ask will have someone in their lives already but will not tell me right out. I don't want some sort of kind let down -- I want the truth of the matter. This is a big part due to my history. I dated a girl once for whom "I don't have a boyfriend" (she did say this) meant more like "Well, there is a guy who thinks he's my boyfriend, but I'm not really sure I like him any more, so I'd like to play the field a little." You'd be impressed at how cynical this makes a person. And I'm a social inept. I can deal with social situations, but it takes effort from me. I can't just do it instinctually. And since you need a social situation to meet people, I'm really stuck. The Wolf takes great pleasure in reminding me that if I was good at social situations I'd have a warm body beside me some nights. And it's additionally frustrating because I don't seem to have any talent for attracting women. Contrast this with what appear to be miraculous powers of gaybait that I have been cursed with and you'll see why I am so discontent. And then my friends poke fun of me (as they rightly should do, I certainly don't blame them for it). But I end up getting left increasingly hopeless and depressed. That I think is why I've invested time and money this last semester in trying to grasp myself. I'm just trying to find a way to make myself more attractive to those that I would like to attract. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be working. Not that it's going to stop me from continuing my efforts. There's got to be somebody out there. And I'll find her...Or die trying.

Thanks for letting me get all that out. I now return you to your regularly posted angry pointless ranting and happy pointless ranting.


  • At 6:53 PM, December 22, 2005, Anonymous Jamie said…

    You will find her!
    I've never met such a uniquely "Brian" person in all my life! I mean this, of course, as a compliment ^_^. Stop putting yourself down, for chrissake! I think part of the trouble is your environment--it IS Omaha, Nebraska, afterall ~_~. I think you're a great guy. I'M NOT LYING DAMN YOU

  • At 2:49 PM, December 23, 2005, Blogger Avvy said…

    Thanks, Jamie. I guess that's encouraging...I think. *grin* I'm really not so worried about it being Omaha, Nebraska -- I mean, the city's huge -- it's more a matter of that I don't know where to look. I have ideas, we'll see if I can get any of them to pan out. If Jason and I ally our powers (him with his connections and knowledge of the land and me with my calculating knowledge of human reactions), we should be able to find dates, in theory. Truth be told, I've never been too worried that I won't find her. It's that I want to find her soon.

    And once, just once, it would be nice to have a pretty girl flirt with me because she meant something by it, not just because that's how she gets her kicks. I don't spontaneously generate self-deprecating opinions about my appearance based solely on whim, after all. Though to your credit, you have only known me this last semester, the time when I have put great effort into becoming a more attractive guy.

  • At 5:02 AM, December 27, 2005, Blogger Sapph said…

    Well, just as a personal observation, finding yourself, essencial, the "sexy outfit"...I have to say it screams "I want to be sex!" not "I am sexy." Don't get me wrong. I love the leather pants. ~_^ My point is is that I think you're trying too hard to look good. Trust me, you already look good, just be yourself. You're kind of overthinking the whole thing.

  • At 10:51 AM, December 27, 2005, Blogger Avvy said…

    Overthinking is something I'm prone to. It is my curse. But I'm afraid you've misjudged me, Sapph. I wear that outfit because I like it. I refer to it as "the sexy outfit," as people will both recognize it as such and that is how it tends to make me feel. Now, I will grant, I'm not currently drawing much line between what you think it screams, but I would wear it regardless. That is simply my style. That is myself.

    You also have to understand that I will not believe any of you regarding my own appearance. There are pretty particular circumstances that would require my feelings to change, and none of you meet the requirements. I don't develop these sorts of neuroses by myself. Think of it this way Sapph: Would you believe yourself attractive if the only people who told you were a handful of women and a couple of your straight friends? My real problem isn't trying too hard...It's not trying. It's very frustrating. I understand the dynamics of the situation, but am unable to act. *sigh*


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